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Literature by MagicHatGs2


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July 31, 2011
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(Draft for Solar Mare and Nightmare moon's first encounter:

"Power corrupts. Knowledge is power. Study hard. Be evil."

Solar Mare making imaginary circles with her golden armored hoofs on the ground started to talk.
"So…tell me sister, what now? I assume there's a reason for waking me after so long."

"Well we could-"

"Let me guess" – Solar Mare interrupted. "You want us to make a never ending day and night? A total eclipse if you may?"

The words where clearly taken from Nightmare Moon's mouth.

"Ha! Don't be so stupid. Your never ending night was nothing but a juvenile dream, a sad attempt of revenge, a desperate and pathetic cry for attention. All you wanted was to proof yourself worthy. Tell me, what exactly did you accomplished with an eternal night?"

-"I…well…"  Nightmare Moon was caught with her guard down.

She was speechless; all she could do was shrug in her place, as if she wanted to disappear. How could her sister treat her like this? After all that time sealed away this is how she repays her?

-"…But then… what do you suggest we do?"

A grin crossed Solar Mare's face

-"I'm glad you asked"

Solar Mare walked towards the balcony of Celestia's room, Nightmare Moon following her. It was still night, the moon at the very top of the sky giving the castle and buildings around it a weak light almost as if it was a cloudy day.

-"Nightmare Moon, there is a reason why I was sealed away and not just banished." Solar Mare spoke with a proud attitude.

The beautiful purple night was all over Equestria. Celestia's balcony had an impressive sight of Canterlot, she could even see Ponyville not so far away. It was as if she could have an eye on her people all the time.

-"Ah…Equestria, such a marvelous land filled with so many magical creatures, everyone so different and unique and on top of them all, us. We stand as the dominant species, no matter how strong others can be, our magic and our minds will always prevail… And now it's ours. It is our Equestria sister and the both of us stand as the most powerful beings. We can rule together, we can make Equestria a better place for ponies. We can move forward…"

Solar Mare started to raise the sun… the pegasi were the first ponies on sight, clearing the clouds of the night so the sun could shine all over Canterlot.

-"…A better place? Move forward? What do you mean?" Nightmare Moon asked confused

-"…Tell me Nightmare. What's the difference between a pegasi and an earth pony?"

-"Well, that's obvious. The wings of course."

-"You are missing the important points…" Solar Mare replied angrily "the pegasi can fly, they can change and create weather. Every sunny day, every powerful storm, every sheer cold blizzard is made by them."

-"That's… certainly true sister"

-"And now, tell me: What's the difference between unicorns and earth ponies?

-"Magic!" Nightmare Moon replied. "Magic that can be used to make life easier in every aspect!"

Solar Mare's expression changed to a cold face and her voice seemed to have changed to a more morbid tone.

-"You are starting to get the idea dearest sister."

The sisters returned indoors, making their way out of Celestia's quarters and started to walk down a large hallway.

-"Pegasi and Unicorns have special attributes that set them apart from the earth ponies…" Solar Mare continued as they walked.

-"…but what exactly sets the earth ponies apart from the pegasi and unicorns?"

-"well…pretty much nothing"

Solar Mare stopped, this time there was no affection of any kind in her face, all trace of emotion disappeared in her eyes.

-"Precisely…"

-"What do you mean by that?" Nightmare Moon couldn't say anything more, the confusion and awkwardness of the chat got to the top of her head.

Solar Mare and Nightmare Moon proceeded with their walk down the hallway. All the way to the end, giant golden doors carved with all kind of precious rocks stood, marking the limit with the private quarters and the public place of the castle.
-"The earth ponies offer nothing to our powerful nation. They can be seen as a pity worm in a perfect red apple, they are nothing but vermin to our species, a bump in our road to evolution! They are stopping us, we can't move forward because of them. Pegasi and Unicorns can make anything the earth ponies can 100% better and all, my dearest sister; it's all a matter of learning their ways."

Nightmare Moon was in shock…such an evil mastermind, a heartless and cold creature standing right before her, listening to every sound that came out of her mouth, analyzing every single word. It was clear. There was a reason for her sister to be sealed instead of just banished. Solar Mare was delusional, out of her mind and judgment. Power has blinded her, not only her eyes but in her mind.
And even so… the idea was perfect. She was talking sense. Earth ponies don't have, as cold as it sounds, a reason to live. They are holding progress for everypony in all over Equestria.

-"Dearest sister, don't get the wrong idea, but how exactly are we going to do that? Nopony will accept us as their rule-"

-"You fool!" Solar Mare interrupted.

"Look at us. We are GODS, we can do anything and anytime, and if anypony is smart enough to do the math, they will do as we say. Neither Celestia nor Luna are around, we are the most powerful beings in Equestria!"

-"But…" Nightmare Moon suddenly remembered.

"There's still five of the six elements of harmony, even if they can't work as they were intended, they have the magic and power to gather them again."

Solar Mare approached Nightmare Moon looking directly into her eyes.

"Sister...it seems you are forgetting something here. YOU have one of the elements of harmony under your control. With you and me it's impossible for them to gather them again."

-"Oh dear…you are right" Nightmare moon seemed to recover all her confidence

"WE are unstoppable. We can make Equestria a better place, we can mold and change its future as we see fit!"

-"Of course we can sister. Now let Equestria embrace her new Queens"

The two mares walked into the opening doors with all majesty, ready to impose themselves as the new rulers of Equestria.
little backstory: first of all, Nightmare Moon and Solar Mare are considered as ghostly entities that take control of other ponies in order to take their physical forms, this also affects how powerful they are .Nightmare moon has under her control Trixie, Rarity and Luna, Solar Mare only has Celestia.

Ok, this is an early draft for a fic i have in mind. I`ve never written any fic before and this is the first piece of fan-fiction i have ever made.

This is a part of the story WAY to far from the start of the fic, so it might change a LOT.
lets see what you think people.
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:icondiskens:
Diskens Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012
The new and improved Solar Mare...
Will she dare throw the switch of the electrical chair?
Will she dare murder them, one by one?
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:iconblargalarg721:
blargalarg721 Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Solar Mare may only have Celestia...but Celestia is more powerful than any of Nightmare Moon's ponies.
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:iconbronyfan:
bronyfan Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2011
and this is why i choose nlr are plans are never as cruel
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:iconaverystrange:
AVeryStrange Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2011
Okay, so here are my much belated thoughts:

Solar Mare you can take in either of two paths, because you're kind of mixing both here. You can either have her be (1) The insane dictator or (2) The warped zealot (my own terms here). In 1) she doesn't need to care about moving Equestria forward. Why would she want ponies to have a better life? You don't need to make her completely crazy, but it would make more sense than "Let's kill earth ponies to make our nation better" since even Solar Mare could see that Earth Ponies would make, at the least, useful slaves. She could remove them from society without killing them, and get something out of it. Before you suggest that she'd want them dead to stop a rebellion, realize that she's already got the "Nopony can oppose us!" mentality. If you choose (2) you may have to reword some of her dialogue. She would not consider herself evil, or in need of banishment. She would consider herself to be in the right, thinking that her vision for progress is what's best. This will put her more in line with Nightmare Moon's ideals, and easily justifies why she'd want genocide. But like I said, you'd have to tone down her megalomaniac side.

Now, general impressions beyond that. Pick your words carefully for the scene you are building. These two evil alicorns are not having a "chat". Chats are informal, chats happen between friends. They are having a debate, or perhaps even a dialogue, something serious and heated. This is just an example.

I'd watch what you're doing with Nightmare Moon. She's ambitious, she's a quick thinker, and she's full of herself, all this is evidenced by the pilot. It's a good idea you've got to make Solar Mare intimidate Nightmare Moon, as that'll tell the audience that they're seeing the worst of the worst, but you've got to convince the audience that your Nightmare Moon is nothing to sneeze at either. Have her defend herself a little more, have her be more eager to cause chaos and destruction. She wouldn't be brushed aside easily, even by her sister, if she's managed to do all you've hinted at.

Don't let me sound discouraging. You've got a good thing going here and I'm intrigued with where this would go. But if I point out what you've done right I'm not helping as much as if I'm pointing out what you could do better. Everything I haven't mentioned is something that doesn't need any real fixing besides the obvious touch-ups that come with this being a draft.
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:icontigerlily0657:
TigerLily0657 Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
*looks at Nightmare Moon* *sneezes*
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:iconxscaralienx:
xscaralienx Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Note taken, thanks for letting me know all this.
See? this is why I asked you to overseer my initial drafts/ideas, you know what you are doing :)
This is why is awesome to have drafts and people watching over them, things can be changed, modified and updated for the final work. Again, thanks a lot for the feedback.

I have to admit that watching all over the bronydom i've found ideas that where way too similar to mine and such things made me feel unoriginal and kind of sad. But i have to move on and see how i can take my idea and make it unique to any other, and thats what i am making.

I really want to do this fanfic and this feedback really encourages me to do so, thanks for the time Avery :D
Reply
:iconaverystrange:
AVeryStrange Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2011
I promise that, since I'm back, any future works of yours I'll actually look over. Promptly. I'm glad my feedback was helpful. Some people have a hard time taking criticism even when they ask for it, glad to see you understand what I'm trying to do.

I've felt that way myself, let me be honest. Even some of my "crack" ships have been gotten to already (there's a Celepie fic out there, not that it's updated in forever) and after I posted Spark I found almost every idea in it had been done before. Don't let that discourage you. It will still be original in how you portray the whole thing, how you mix ideas. Just avoid the cliches like "Oh no Twilight screwed up a spell"

I'm glad I could help! I hope to see more from you :3 .
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:iconxscaralienx:
xscaralienx Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i lol'd so hard at the "Twilight screwed a spell" :D

. thanks again, making drawings made me understand how criticism works, I know i asked for it and I must not see it as something bad, but something constructive and positive.

but what worries me is that school is very close...i might not be able to draw or work on the fic as much as i'd love to. I must do all i can before schools starts in the next weeks.

again, thanks :iconfluttershyyayplz:
Reply
:iconaverystrange:
AVeryStrange Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2011
Naturally, naturally :3 . Oh man, that's right, you'll be drawing *and* writing. What next, music to :P ? But anyway, each art form has its differences, but yeah the criticism process is much the same.

Hmm, I've been worrying the same thing. The important thing is not to let your work collect dust. Even if all you manage is an hour a week to work on it, it will eventually come together.

You're quite welcome :icontwilightclapplz:
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:iconragnad:
ragnad Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2011
Isn't the artist of the preview pic ~Puzzle-of-Life? [link]
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